Why Do We Always Crave Appreciation (and How Can Leaders Actually Build It)?

I was recently speaking with Joan, the chief operating officer of a flourishing design and software company with about 250 professionals. Joan is an attentive, thoughtful leader, and he was completely astonished by a recent internal survey. It turned out that 70 percent of his colleagues rated the culture of appreciation in their company at a meager 5.5 out of 10.

"I don't understand it," Joan told me, visibly troubled. "I am constantly thanking my people. I see myself as a very appreciative person. Why are they still complaining?"

I decided to sit down with twelve of his direct reports to listen. Their answers were telling. Two of them said, "Yes, Joan is doing okay." But the other ten gave almost the exact same response: "He thinks he is appreciative, but we simply do not experience it that way at all."

It is a profound paradox that I encounter in organizations time and again. We know from research—and from simple human experience—that a culture of appreciation is one of the single most important factors in keeping talented people motivated for the long haul. When we asked 100 physicians in a large hospital what they expected most from their leaders, the unanimous number one request was not higher pay or better systems, but simply: more appreciation. It is the same reason so many teachers suffer from burnout; they give everything, yet feel completely unseen.

If we want to build a sustainable organization where people bring their best every day, we have to bridge this gap. And that journey always starts with the leader in the mirror.

What Appreciation Really Means: Dignity and Destiny

To understand why praise so often misses the mark, we must look at what true appreciation actually is. The thinker Romano Guardini once wrote that appreciation gives room to the other person—it recognizes the good and the beautiful in them, and stimulates their awareness of being valuable.

I like to define appreciation as the gift of recognizing and encouraging two things in another person: their dignity and their destiny.

When I appreciate you, I do not merely give you a quick pat on the back for completing a task on time. That is recognition of performance, which is fine, but it is superficial. True appreciation goes deeper. It says: I see you. I acknowledge your inherent worth as a human being (dignity), and I see the unique gifts and potential you are growing into (destiny).

When you offer this kind of genuine honor, something remarkable happens inside the other person. You release a cascade of healthy emotional resources: self-trust, self-respect, hope, courage, and motivation. As neuroscientist Paul Zak points out, high-trust, highly appreciative environments drastically reduce stress and burnout while unleashing real energy and engagement.

Appreciation is not a reward for performance; it is a recognition of personhood.

The Three Essential Pillars of an Appreciative Leader

If appreciation is so vital, why is it so rare? Because it cannot be faked or reduced to a checklist. It requires a specific set of inner capacities. In my work with leaders, I see three foundational pillars that turn appreciation from a polite gesture into a transformative culture:

• Relational Competence: This is the ability to be truly present. You are aware of your own motives and feelings, but you are equally attuned to the emotional reality of others. You listen actively, you notice the subtle efforts people make, and you have the sensitivity to speak to their specific talents.
• Sincere Respect: This means celebrating the successes and unique gifts of others without envy. It is about using language that honors people across every level of the organization—from the board member to the person cleaning the office late at night.
• Generosity: As the old wisdom goes, we give freely because we have freely received. A generous leader invests time, energy, and focused attention into helping others succeed, taking delight in surprising them with extra care and unexpected encouragement.

Look at these three pillars as the structural foundation of a house. If your relational competence is weak, your praise will sound transactional. If your respect is absent, your words will feel like manipulation. But when all three are present, trust begins to flourish.

Moving from Distrust and Control to Freedom

Why do so many organizational environments default to a lack of appreciation? Because it is far easier to manage through control than to lead through trust. Distrust naturally creates a need for monitoring, metric-checking, and criticism. The negative always shouts the loudest.

In fact, if we only focus on what goes wrong or what catches our immediate attention, we miss 90 percent of reality. For every visible mistake in a team, there are ten quiet acts of dedication, patience, and brilliant problem-solving happening beneath the surface. Gratitude and appreciation are not naive; they are a sign of high intelligence because they allow us to see the full truth of what is happening around us.

When a leader shifts from a posture of control to a posture of appreciation, the atmosphere changes. Distrust brings micro-management and anxiety; trust brings freedom, creative risk-taking, and resilience. But to get there, you must step out of your own need for validation and step into the practice of validating others.

Practical Steps: How to Train the Muscle of Appreciation

Appreciation is not an innate personality trait that you either have or don't have. It is a muscle. Mastery grows in small, steady steps. If you want to transform the culture around you, here are three concrete ways to start practicing this week:

1. Keep an Encouragement Treasure Box: Take one hour every week to write down positive, specific observations about the people you work with. What unique quality did Sarah show in that client meeting? How did Thomas handle a difficult conflict? Do this consistently, and within a few months, you will have a deep well of genuine compliments ready to draw from.
2. Practice the 100-Second Impulse: Don't wait for annual reviews to express value. When you notice someone doing something noble, skillful, or kind, take 100 seconds right then to tell them why it mattered. Focus on their character and effort, not just the output.
3. Surprise with Generosity: Think of small, unexpected ways to bless your team. I remember a school director during a incredibly tough period who sent every single teacher a surprise box of chocolates, simply to say, "I see how hard you are working, and I honor you." It wasn't expensive, but it sent a powerful signal: you are not forgotten.

It is not about being perfect in this overnight. It is about waking up each morning and asking yourself: Who can I build up today?

Where Do You Stand?

Returning to Joan, the COO who was so puzzled by his team's feedback—he realized that while he felt appreciative in his heart, he had rarely taken the quiet time to look his people in the eye and speak to their character. He was giving high-fives for closed deals, but he wasn't seeing the human beings behind the work.

When you look at your own daily practice—not where you would like to be, but where you actually stand today—how much of your energy goes toward measuring performance, and how much goes toward honoring dignity?

My invitation to you this week is simple: pick one person in your team or your family, look closely at their unique gifts, and take three minutes to tell them what you see in them. You might be amazed at the life it sets free.

Warm greetings,

Paul Donders